" All the world is a stage and all the men and women merely players. They have their entrances and their exits and one man in his time may play many parts." There is nothing new about feeling like you are multiple people as circumstances dictate. Its ok to adapt. It's not ok to sell out who you are. Adapt to the extent that you must to exist in civil society. Don't sell out who you are. Walking that line is called life.
"I want to evoke emotions through my writing, not through controversy. Yet the tedium of constantly eliminating words and opinions that could be controversial or provoke conflict might put me in a straitjacket. All I want to do is write fearlessly. To disguise myself seems dishonest and contrary to the purpose of writing. But to some degree, it seems necessary and unavoidable. Most of you would leave if I continued to publish rants like last week’s. Many subscribers did leave. Whatever. Nothing is permanent. Once I bore or offend you, you’ll unsubscribe, too. The best I can do is find a balance between who I want to be and who I need to be. I make no promises. Every once in a while, some bitching might squeak out. Forgive me or don’t. I’ll leave the way I came in."
It was Jordan Peterson who stated in a panel conversation hosted by a university, that the word 'essay' means attempt. And later that writing is thinking.
We write to think better. To assess if our thoughts are worth keeping. If you know this as a reader, it means you will read someone else's work and take out the golden thoughts that are the jewels we are mining for within our minds when we practice attempting to think and to be able to attempt to think deeply.
Criticism is good, it helps us think better. But I think some forget that when you criticize an essay, you are also criticizing someones way of thinking or their world view. And we must be more cognizant of this and provide more grace when we provide critique.
*
I think this was a lovely way to capture the internal turmoil we get to when we have realised you don't agree with who you are anymore and you have a higher standard for yourself. It made me think of a similar thing I experienced a few years ago. Thank you for writing 🌷
Yes, "essay" was used often as a verb in older writings. It still trips me up sometimes when I come across it in that sense. I forget it has that meaning. I won't now. It does change your perspective a little on the nature of writing essays, especially of the personal variety.
Not everybody writes to think better. I certainly do. What you read is my discovery process. Writing is how I dissect thoughts and learn from them. Toying with language and turning phrases forces me to think about each idea in different ways. I love it.
Criticism has become a sport for some people, thanks to the Internet. But I think there's a point where criticism turns to insulting and nothing more.
I'm happy you enjoyed the piece. Thank you for reading it.
I don't think you're lying; you're editing. We do it all the time. If we didn't, our words would overwhelm each other and any meaning would be lost. Being thoughtful to try to express ourselves accurately is hard work; sometimes the words I'm searching for escape me and I agonize over using lesser ones. I thought your post was very honest. I think we have lost the real intent of criticism and have settled for "You Do You" where everything is awesome and you never have to try to make something better. Make your work better. Make YOURSELF better. I appreciate that you're out here, telling how you see the world from the perspective of someone who didn't always try to do any of that. Don't stop being that person.
I might’ve been a tad hyperbolic about the lying, though when I intially wrote the first sentence, last week, I did feel as though I had been lying, kind of. It was the mood I was in when starting the essay. The first paragraph came from the same place.
Our parents are the first to urge self-censorship. "Don't use those words in this house or you'll get your mouth washed out with soap" (my mum tried this on me with a bar of Zest). Also, "Don't you dare speak that way to your mother/father", etc. Social behavior has always been important to most parents, especially mothers. They prime us to doubt ourselves: will it be considered misbehaving if I speak my mind? Probably. Although I love and sometimes miss my mum, she is the one who was very concerned with what the neighbors, friends, and relatives thought, and I still hold her responsible for my generalized anxiety. You express yourself very adeptly, Corey. Don't doubt yourself and write what you feel and need to say. 🤷♀️
Yes, mothers often seem to be all about appearances. Not all, of course, but many. I try to teach my daughter not to be overly concerned with appearances but to care about her appearance and the way she speaks to people, especially adults and people she is not familiar with. It’s tricky. I found myself telling her one morning not to care what other kids think of her. But then the next morning I’m telling her she can’t wear the same shirt three days in a row because . . . I stopped myself before I finished the sentence.
I notice a lot of people who seem to respond to internet criticism by becoming overly defensive in their writing — by couching everything, by over explaining, by tiptoeing around. I think there’s a balance to be struck between careful foresight yet not too much pre-emption. Some readers will look for controversy or be reactive no matter what. And it’s good practice to learn whose feedback to accept and whose to ignore. Firmly believe that life skill is worth gold.
I have read a few Notes recently where this gist was to simply 'be kind and supportive' or scroll on by. I would like to think it's possible to be kind and supportive AND honest with your opinions. Differences of opinion or criticism are so important, I find great value in both. I don't have to always agree or change my way of thinking and working but I'm always keen to know how others view my work.
Yes, Notes is patrolled by the walking wounded from the trauma centers of other social media experiments and all they want is for everyone to just be nice, which will kill Notes
I was a bit annoyed by the title of your previous piece when it popped up, and busy with my life at the time so I didn't read it. I am glad that I read this piece first, and am looking forward to reading your previous piece. Tbh, the title of this piece feels a bit annoying too, but a good lesson to not judge a piece based on its title.
PS - I like your writing, that's why I probably subscribed in the first place. Please keep writing. I'll have more patience with titles, lol :D
Yeah, last week’s title was a punch in the ribs to some people. I thought it might be. I almost changed it, but my stubbornness wouldn’t allow me. I’m sure I’ll write others that people won’t like, too. I can’t please everybody. I didn’t like today’s title, either, but probably for different reasons than you.
Yes, we self-censor everyday to avoid conflict and we select identities out of our Rolodex to accommodate different people. You raise a great point: How much of ourselves do we sacrifice in doing so?
As far as bitching goes--bitch away, bro. It's why I'm here.
I detect sensitivity and a level of people pleasing that I’ve been guilty of myself.
We want others to like us and not judge us so actually we are not completely free if our good sense of ourselves is bound up with the opinion of others. You are self reflective and aware and that is the road to healing.
I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about how much I edit myself in my interactions with people. I’ve been questioning whether it comes down to a desire for connection and belonging that’s stronger than anything else. I do spend a lot of time pursuing relationship with those outside of my immediate family. I wonder why maintaining connection to them is important though cause I’m sure I’m fine more honest vocal people that I connect with if I was also more vocal and honest.
It's a slippery slope, for sure. You're aware of it, though, which puts you ahead of most people, I imagine. I sometimes think people only want filtered honesty—if that makes any sense.
Yeah, I don’t spend time with anybody but my daughter. When she is at her mother’s, I read and write and only leave the apartment for groceries and more books, not that I have a shortage here. My to-be-read pile would reach two floors above me if I could stack them as such.
Some wonderful lines underpin this piece, Corey. I really liked this one:
“Every line is measured, every word a variation, four degrees from its original.”
I also really appreciate you acknowledging this point, it’s something I think about often. And the way you expressed it certainly kicked off a lot more thoughts about it for me. :)
Thank you, Michael. There seem to be two camps of people on this topic, as with most matters, but I think those against my loose idea of self-censorship are missing my point. Some people hear the word censorship and go immediately to the extreme. I’m speaking of the more nuanced and subtle ways we alter ourselves, typically without knowing we are doing it. You get it. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Caught me at the right moment, I suppose.
I get you. That’s why I appreciated the piece — it’s hard notice the subtle ways we censor ourselves, let alone to notice it enough to write about it :)
I’m not all that bothered by unsubscribes. As I mentioned in another comment, most of my “self-censorship” (I used the term loosely in the essay; whether I was intentionally exaggerating, I don’t know.) happens when I try to avoid any cultural topics or topics often debated. It’s not that I’m worried people won’t like me (whatever) and more about my wanting to elude assholes dropping by to spit in my face and tell me to jump off a cliff. I have no desire to argue with people, especially irrational schmucks hiding behind anonymous accounts whose only purpose on the platform is to irritate people. I can ignore these people, as I’ve done in this comment section, but I can’t stop them from living in my head for a few days, steadily pissing me off while I fight the urge to reply, which would only infuriate me more. I’d get caught in a back-and-forth debacle of utter nonsense with no value. Nothing productive or useful comes from those conversations, as you know. So I try to keep my views to myself and focus on the writing.
Fantastic read. Personally, I think part of writing is exploring those little voices in our head. Some of them aren't really our own and some of them are. I know that writing has really helped me become more of who I am and writing has allowed me to play different personalities without ever having to write one word. I always look forward to your essays and perspective. You're insights are always razor sharp. Thank you.
The endless internal exploration that writing provides might be its biggest draw, for me, anyway. It helps me to misunderstand the world better, and myself. Thank you for the kind words. Happy you enjoyed the piece.
I liked your last piece as I like this one. I once believed I had multiple personality disorder, but I believe now that it is really an acute awareness of all the possibilities and contradictions inherent in being human…though not everyone allows this awareness to have substance and voice. Maybe this is why creatives seem somewhat odd…it’s a good thing imo, and so are all the questions and doubt. Thank you for letting us see your mind at work - loved it! 🫶🏼
Yes, it's all those inner voices, the cognitive dissonance, internal conflict, indecisiveness. As you said, it's inherently human, only not everybody looks inward, not everybody has the self-awareness necessary to see this side of being human. I enjoy it, though I am a bit nutty. Thanks for reading.
" All the world is a stage and all the men and women merely players. They have their entrances and their exits and one man in his time may play many parts." There is nothing new about feeling like you are multiple people as circumstances dictate. Its ok to adapt. It's not ok to sell out who you are. Adapt to the extent that you must to exist in civil society. Don't sell out who you are. Walking that line is called life.
I like how you worded that. Thank you, Fred.
"I want to evoke emotions through my writing, not through controversy. Yet the tedium of constantly eliminating words and opinions that could be controversial or provoke conflict might put me in a straitjacket. All I want to do is write fearlessly. To disguise myself seems dishonest and contrary to the purpose of writing. But to some degree, it seems necessary and unavoidable. Most of you would leave if I continued to publish rants like last week’s. Many subscribers did leave. Whatever. Nothing is permanent. Once I bore or offend you, you’ll unsubscribe, too. The best I can do is find a balance between who I want to be and who I need to be. I make no promises. Every once in a while, some bitching might squeak out. Forgive me or don’t. I’ll leave the way I came in."
yeah, let's be ourselves unapologetically.
Thanks, Jude.
It was Jordan Peterson who stated in a panel conversation hosted by a university, that the word 'essay' means attempt. And later that writing is thinking.
We write to think better. To assess if our thoughts are worth keeping. If you know this as a reader, it means you will read someone else's work and take out the golden thoughts that are the jewels we are mining for within our minds when we practice attempting to think and to be able to attempt to think deeply.
Criticism is good, it helps us think better. But I think some forget that when you criticize an essay, you are also criticizing someones way of thinking or their world view. And we must be more cognizant of this and provide more grace when we provide critique.
*
I think this was a lovely way to capture the internal turmoil we get to when we have realised you don't agree with who you are anymore and you have a higher standard for yourself. It made me think of a similar thing I experienced a few years ago. Thank you for writing 🌷
Yes, "essay" was used often as a verb in older writings. It still trips me up sometimes when I come across it in that sense. I forget it has that meaning. I won't now. It does change your perspective a little on the nature of writing essays, especially of the personal variety.
Not everybody writes to think better. I certainly do. What you read is my discovery process. Writing is how I dissect thoughts and learn from them. Toying with language and turning phrases forces me to think about each idea in different ways. I love it.
Criticism has become a sport for some people, thanks to the Internet. But I think there's a point where criticism turns to insulting and nothing more.
I'm happy you enjoyed the piece. Thank you for reading it.
You found a beautiful silver lining!!
Ha! I try.
I don't think you're lying; you're editing. We do it all the time. If we didn't, our words would overwhelm each other and any meaning would be lost. Being thoughtful to try to express ourselves accurately is hard work; sometimes the words I'm searching for escape me and I agonize over using lesser ones. I thought your post was very honest. I think we have lost the real intent of criticism and have settled for "You Do You" where everything is awesome and you never have to try to make something better. Make your work better. Make YOURSELF better. I appreciate that you're out here, telling how you see the world from the perspective of someone who didn't always try to do any of that. Don't stop being that person.
I might’ve been a tad hyperbolic about the lying, though when I intially wrote the first sentence, last week, I did feel as though I had been lying, kind of. It was the mood I was in when starting the essay. The first paragraph came from the same place.
Thank you for the kind words.
Our parents are the first to urge self-censorship. "Don't use those words in this house or you'll get your mouth washed out with soap" (my mum tried this on me with a bar of Zest). Also, "Don't you dare speak that way to your mother/father", etc. Social behavior has always been important to most parents, especially mothers. They prime us to doubt ourselves: will it be considered misbehaving if I speak my mind? Probably. Although I love and sometimes miss my mum, she is the one who was very concerned with what the neighbors, friends, and relatives thought, and I still hold her responsible for my generalized anxiety. You express yourself very adeptly, Corey. Don't doubt yourself and write what you feel and need to say. 🤷♀️
Yes, mothers often seem to be all about appearances. Not all, of course, but many. I try to teach my daughter not to be overly concerned with appearances but to care about her appearance and the way she speaks to people, especially adults and people she is not familiar with. It’s tricky. I found myself telling her one morning not to care what other kids think of her. But then the next morning I’m telling her she can’t wear the same shirt three days in a row because . . . I stopped myself before I finished the sentence.
Thank you for reading.
I notice a lot of people who seem to respond to internet criticism by becoming overly defensive in their writing — by couching everything, by over explaining, by tiptoeing around. I think there’s a balance to be struck between careful foresight yet not too much pre-emption. Some readers will look for controversy or be reactive no matter what. And it’s good practice to learn whose feedback to accept and whose to ignore. Firmly believe that life skill is worth gold.
Balance is the key to most things in life. I've never been good at it. I keep trying. Thanks for reading, Leah.
I have read a few Notes recently where this gist was to simply 'be kind and supportive' or scroll on by. I would like to think it's possible to be kind and supportive AND honest with your opinions. Differences of opinion or criticism are so important, I find great value in both. I don't have to always agree or change my way of thinking and working but I'm always keen to know how others view my work.
Yes, Notes is patrolled by the walking wounded from the trauma centers of other social media experiments and all they want is for everyone to just be nice, which will kill Notes
Spot on.
yes, even the feedback we reject is informative. I've learned much on Substack by way of some...crazy comments.
If only more people shared your outlook.
I was a bit annoyed by the title of your previous piece when it popped up, and busy with my life at the time so I didn't read it. I am glad that I read this piece first, and am looking forward to reading your previous piece. Tbh, the title of this piece feels a bit annoying too, but a good lesson to not judge a piece based on its title.
PS - I like your writing, that's why I probably subscribed in the first place. Please keep writing. I'll have more patience with titles, lol :D
Yeah, last week’s title was a punch in the ribs to some people. I thought it might be. I almost changed it, but my stubbornness wouldn’t allow me. I’m sure I’ll write others that people won’t like, too. I can’t please everybody. I didn’t like today’s title, either, but probably for different reasons than you.
Yes, we self-censor everyday to avoid conflict and we select identities out of our Rolodex to accommodate different people. You raise a great point: How much of ourselves do we sacrifice in doing so?
As far as bitching goes--bitch away, bro. It's why I'm here.
Ha! Thanks, Bradley.
Hi Corey
I detect sensitivity and a level of people pleasing that I’ve been guilty of myself.
We want others to like us and not judge us so actually we are not completely free if our good sense of ourselves is bound up with the opinion of others. You are self reflective and aware and that is the road to healing.
Thank you, Cleo.
I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about how much I edit myself in my interactions with people. I’ve been questioning whether it comes down to a desire for connection and belonging that’s stronger than anything else. I do spend a lot of time pursuing relationship with those outside of my immediate family. I wonder why maintaining connection to them is important though cause I’m sure I’m fine more honest vocal people that I connect with if I was also more vocal and honest.
It's a slippery slope, for sure. You're aware of it, though, which puts you ahead of most people, I imagine. I sometimes think people only want filtered honesty—if that makes any sense.
I hear ya, brother.
All of what you say is why I spend almost no time with anyone outside of my family circle.
It’s too much work otherwise.
Yeah, I don’t spend time with anybody but my daughter. When she is at her mother’s, I read and write and only leave the apartment for groceries and more books, not that I have a shortage here. My to-be-read pile would reach two floors above me if I could stack them as such.
Some wonderful lines underpin this piece, Corey. I really liked this one:
“Every line is measured, every word a variation, four degrees from its original.”
I also really appreciate you acknowledging this point, it’s something I think about often. And the way you expressed it certainly kicked off a lot more thoughts about it for me. :)
Thank you, Michael. There seem to be two camps of people on this topic, as with most matters, but I think those against my loose idea of self-censorship are missing my point. Some people hear the word censorship and go immediately to the extreme. I’m speaking of the more nuanced and subtle ways we alter ourselves, typically without knowing we are doing it. You get it. I don't know why I am explaining this to you. Caught me at the right moment, I suppose.
I get you. That’s why I appreciated the piece — it’s hard notice the subtle ways we censor ourselves, let alone to notice it enough to write about it :)
Do your thing, man. Don't let the unsubscribes get you down. Happens to me all the time. Then I get new ones.
I’m not all that bothered by unsubscribes. As I mentioned in another comment, most of my “self-censorship” (I used the term loosely in the essay; whether I was intentionally exaggerating, I don’t know.) happens when I try to avoid any cultural topics or topics often debated. It’s not that I’m worried people won’t like me (whatever) and more about my wanting to elude assholes dropping by to spit in my face and tell me to jump off a cliff. I have no desire to argue with people, especially irrational schmucks hiding behind anonymous accounts whose only purpose on the platform is to irritate people. I can ignore these people, as I’ve done in this comment section, but I can’t stop them from living in my head for a few days, steadily pissing me off while I fight the urge to reply, which would only infuriate me more. I’d get caught in a back-and-forth debacle of utter nonsense with no value. Nothing productive or useful comes from those conversations, as you know. So I try to keep my views to myself and focus on the writing.
Fantastic read. Personally, I think part of writing is exploring those little voices in our head. Some of them aren't really our own and some of them are. I know that writing has really helped me become more of who I am and writing has allowed me to play different personalities without ever having to write one word. I always look forward to your essays and perspective. You're insights are always razor sharp. Thank you.
The endless internal exploration that writing provides might be its biggest draw, for me, anyway. It helps me to misunderstand the world better, and myself. Thank you for the kind words. Happy you enjoyed the piece.
be all your pieces in what you mold in words. i like that human being. i ain’t a leavin’.
I liked your last piece as I like this one. I once believed I had multiple personality disorder, but I believe now that it is really an acute awareness of all the possibilities and contradictions inherent in being human…though not everyone allows this awareness to have substance and voice. Maybe this is why creatives seem somewhat odd…it’s a good thing imo, and so are all the questions and doubt. Thank you for letting us see your mind at work - loved it! 🫶🏼
Yes, it's all those inner voices, the cognitive dissonance, internal conflict, indecisiveness. As you said, it's inherently human, only not everybody looks inward, not everybody has the self-awareness necessary to see this side of being human. I enjoy it, though I am a bit nutty. Thanks for reading.
Always a pleasure and thank you for writing.
Thank you.