I wrote when I was young, but stopped amidst & after the avoidance years. Now when I write it, it is all spirals. Which is life, anyway. I admire your willingness to follow the cycles of wandering though here. Being with the uncertainty. I loved the clever "I have cheese caked onto my shirt," right there amidst it all, I smiled. The abstract and the concrete, right brain and left, the still point is often in such noticings. I love the poetry of Jane Hirshfield and Wislawa Szymborska (try "Astonishment) for this, maybe you would like them too.
I enjoy the randomness of the cheese line. As I mentioned to somebody earlier, I have a difficult time being serious for too long. Many people might not understand why that line is there. Thank you for noticing it as more than nonsense.
Keep moving physically and mentally. When you teach your mid-70s, you realize how little has changed during your lifetime, despite what you may have perceived as change.
If you haven't read it yet, check out The Years by French author Annie Ernaux. She hits the proverbial nail on the head.
>> “Keep moving physically and mentally …” That was the beginning of a line I cut from this piece. Funny. Originally I wanted this piece to highlight the importance of sitting still and not distracting ourselves. Something like that. It's more of an undertone now. All intentions are always lost by the end of the first paragraph, for me, anyway.
And I agree, little changes. Stuff moves around a lot but doesn't change. An illusion.
Thank you for the book recommendation. Adding it to my list.
This line is the heart of things for me: "We run from change while advocating for it, towing protest signs like just-married cans, with various regrets written on each."
If I go dark with my thoughts about it, I reflect on Trump's campaign slogan. Make America Great Again is aimed at undoing change, as if change is the enemy.
If I go provocative with my thoughts about it, I think about Lizzo's public stance that we love our body no matter what size while doing as much as she can to change her body size.
If I go internal with my thoughts, I advocated for changing my relationship to addiction, give up booze, and notice I'm eating truckloads of food to "take the edge off" now that I can't "take the edge off with beer."
And yet, for all the grim reports here listed, I am uplifted by your post, as usual.
I love the various perspectives you laid out here. Of course, I can relate to the addiction one, and I'll have another coffee in a minute, consider why I'm drinking another, and ignore myself. Cognitive dissonance seems to fuel these conflicts, whether internal or external.
I appreciate the thoughtful comment, Jody. Glad you were able to take something away from this.
my first comment was going to be, sounds like the thoughts in my head...
then I added the first book mentioned to my book list and read your line...
I was thinking about coffee driving in the school pick up line and how me drinking coffee everyday is probably an addiction of mine then next up in line is tea. I was going to say substances don’t do it for me anymore but aren’t most things substance.
I really just want balance/harmony/peace
I’m 43 as well and when I see older people working their asses off, I wonder how I will do that when I’m there age because my body has issues and pain.
my psychiatrist says I need more sleep, so I’m taking a substance/pill to help sleep, got 6 hours last night, that’s a record and was clearly not enough because I took a two hour nap. How will we every catch up.
Detox with Kambo and a shaman??
Do I just have to embrace the chaos and pain while it lasts because I’m sure to miss it when it’s gone.
Your writing is very engaging, thought provoking, inspiring.
I try to embrace it as much as possible. I also have issues with pain. Have had several spinal injections in the last two years, which haven't helped much. Your view on substances is intriguing. I have to think that over some. Maybe I'll write about it. Thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment.
Yeah I have to vouch for the CBD and sleep. I recently started taking CBD/CBN gummies (CBN is used for sleep aid) It has been some darn good sleep WITH DREAMS, so REM sleep is happening!! If you're interested... https://wyldcbd.com/products/elderberry-gummies
I hope you can someday reach the age of wisdom (I am 30 years ahead of you) where you really don't give a flying fuck and realize that the more you know, the less you understand. Peace.
>> “The more you know, the less you understand.” >> I said that the other day to my daughter. So, I'm aware. Many people seem to think that writing something like this means I am a wallowing mess. Not the case. Have I been a wallowing mess before? Absolutely. But this is just me exploring thoughts on the page, old and new thoughts, some fleeting, some recollected, and some embedded in my mind.
Your "wallowing mess" made public is one way of connecting with other people who are also a wallowing mess and not yet brave enough to go public with it. It's like coming out at gay--in my case, I did it not only to live honestly in a world that wants to make me invisible (or dead) but also to open connection with other people. I wallow a lot in my journal, and I try to push against my own edges when I post to my blog. How could I wrote about books when I found out I had breast cancer? I couldn't--so I wrote about cancer and radiation therapy even though I started the blog to open conversations about books and reading. Wallow away, new friend. You encourage me.
That I've encouraged you makes me happy. I know my writing dark and self-absorbed ramblings isnt for everybody. But I am not writing for everybody. I'm writing what I like and however I feel like writing it. If people like it, that's great. So far, many people seem to connect with my gibberish and have enjoyed the short stories I've published here too. It is a wonderful bonus to hear about times like this when my writing encourages or inspires somebody to write something or be more open, whatever the case may be. I like exploring my mind and composing self-conscious pieces because it helps me understand myself better and humans in general. I love that you connected with this piece and grateful you found your way here.
P.S. Sometimes, even when we are not writing about our specific issues, we are still writing about them, like your writing about cancer overall and radiation. Find what works and push forward.
Oh, that's rough. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope writing gives you the same relief and joy it does me. It has carried me through sobriety and many struggles but nothing I can compare to your loss, not that I'm in the business of comparing.
In some cultures 43 is a significant number. It is the beginning of adulthood. You are just beginning but I guess it depends on where you live. Ha. Ha. Then there’s the old saying: “Who you are at seven, you are at seventy.“
So many thoughtful observations about meanderings and personal life perceptions. I appreciate the idea of longing to not belong. I’ve always struggled with wanting to go different directions than what society prescribed for me. A constant but satisfying struggle as I succeed to do so. Great article.
It's difficult to pull away from the crowds, even when you're not physically a part of one, and purposefully distance yourself from certain influences. I'm glad the piece resonated with you. Thank you for reading it.
"Think. We run from change while advocating for it, towing protest signs like just-married cans, "
This phenomenon took me a while to figure out. Eventually I realized it's not some big philosophical concept, but a simple problem.
Change is good to think about. Until we start thinking about the consequences of actual action. Since we are averse to suffering, the consequences outweigh the benefits of change to us. You can see this on a larger scale in businesses, governments, anything where reform is needed.
I love this piece, and when I was in my forties I thought I’d worked thru change after working a career for what felt like a lifetime having started it at 16, raising kids, buying houses and listening to grandparents and elder in laws, working for a company that had gone corporate and saw people do things “climbing the ladder” and felt a bit behind the drive and nastiness I saw going on and left supposedly to paint full time. Just in time to find out we had a new generation starting right in our family that would absorb more then anything ever could, even art and then Covid hit. Every time I think I’ve seen and learned so much, change happens ready or not and we do too, it’s all personal perception, thanks for food for thought!
I wrote when I was young, but stopped amidst & after the avoidance years. Now when I write it, it is all spirals. Which is life, anyway. I admire your willingness to follow the cycles of wandering though here. Being with the uncertainty. I loved the clever "I have cheese caked onto my shirt," right there amidst it all, I smiled. The abstract and the concrete, right brain and left, the still point is often in such noticings. I love the poetry of Jane Hirshfield and Wislawa Szymborska (try "Astonishment) for this, maybe you would like them too.
I enjoy the randomness of the cheese line. As I mentioned to somebody earlier, I have a difficult time being serious for too long. Many people might not understand why that line is there. Thank you for noticing it as more than nonsense.
I have not published elsewhere, aside from several novels and non-fiction books that I ghostwrote and therefore are not mine.
This is good. Life works this way.
Thank you, Patris. Your comments always make me smile.
Keep moving physically and mentally. When you teach your mid-70s, you realize how little has changed during your lifetime, despite what you may have perceived as change.
If you haven't read it yet, check out The Years by French author Annie Ernaux. She hits the proverbial nail on the head.
>> “Keep moving physically and mentally …” That was the beginning of a line I cut from this piece. Funny. Originally I wanted this piece to highlight the importance of sitting still and not distracting ourselves. Something like that. It's more of an undertone now. All intentions are always lost by the end of the first paragraph, for me, anyway.
And I agree, little changes. Stuff moves around a lot but doesn't change. An illusion.
Thank you for the book recommendation. Adding it to my list.
Haha, ‘All intentions are always lost by the end of the first paragraph’....yes, I’ve almost given up intending....
Ha. My first mistake. I'll do it again, too.
This line is the heart of things for me: "We run from change while advocating for it, towing protest signs like just-married cans, with various regrets written on each."
If I go dark with my thoughts about it, I reflect on Trump's campaign slogan. Make America Great Again is aimed at undoing change, as if change is the enemy.
If I go provocative with my thoughts about it, I think about Lizzo's public stance that we love our body no matter what size while doing as much as she can to change her body size.
If I go internal with my thoughts, I advocated for changing my relationship to addiction, give up booze, and notice I'm eating truckloads of food to "take the edge off" now that I can't "take the edge off with beer."
And yet, for all the grim reports here listed, I am uplifted by your post, as usual.
I love the various perspectives you laid out here. Of course, I can relate to the addiction one, and I'll have another coffee in a minute, consider why I'm drinking another, and ignore myself. Cognitive dissonance seems to fuel these conflicts, whether internal or external.
I appreciate the thoughtful comment, Jody. Glad you were able to take something away from this.
my first comment was going to be, sounds like the thoughts in my head...
then I added the first book mentioned to my book list and read your line...
I was thinking about coffee driving in the school pick up line and how me drinking coffee everyday is probably an addiction of mine then next up in line is tea. I was going to say substances don’t do it for me anymore but aren’t most things substance.
I really just want balance/harmony/peace
I’m 43 as well and when I see older people working their asses off, I wonder how I will do that when I’m there age because my body has issues and pain.
my psychiatrist says I need more sleep, so I’m taking a substance/pill to help sleep, got 6 hours last night, that’s a record and was clearly not enough because I took a two hour nap. How will we every catch up.
Detox with Kambo and a shaman??
Do I just have to embrace the chaos and pain while it lasts because I’m sure to miss it when it’s gone.
Your writing is very engaging, thought provoking, inspiring.
Thanks and have a great weekend
I try to embrace it as much as possible. I also have issues with pain. Have had several spinal injections in the last two years, which haven't helped much. Your view on substances is intriguing. I have to think that over some. Maybe I'll write about it. Thanks again for reading and taking the time to comment.
Yeah I have to vouch for the CBD and sleep. I recently started taking CBD/CBN gummies (CBN is used for sleep aid) It has been some darn good sleep WITH DREAMS, so REM sleep is happening!! If you're interested... https://wyldcbd.com/products/elderberry-gummies
I hope you can someday reach the age of wisdom (I am 30 years ahead of you) where you really don't give a flying fuck and realize that the more you know, the less you understand. Peace.
>> “The more you know, the less you understand.” >> I said that the other day to my daughter. So, I'm aware. Many people seem to think that writing something like this means I am a wallowing mess. Not the case. Have I been a wallowing mess before? Absolutely. But this is just me exploring thoughts on the page, old and new thoughts, some fleeting, some recollected, and some embedded in my mind.
Your "wallowing mess" made public is one way of connecting with other people who are also a wallowing mess and not yet brave enough to go public with it. It's like coming out at gay--in my case, I did it not only to live honestly in a world that wants to make me invisible (or dead) but also to open connection with other people. I wallow a lot in my journal, and I try to push against my own edges when I post to my blog. How could I wrote about books when I found out I had breast cancer? I couldn't--so I wrote about cancer and radiation therapy even though I started the blog to open conversations about books and reading. Wallow away, new friend. You encourage me.
That I've encouraged you makes me happy. I know my writing dark and self-absorbed ramblings isnt for everybody. But I am not writing for everybody. I'm writing what I like and however I feel like writing it. If people like it, that's great. So far, many people seem to connect with my gibberish and have enjoyed the short stories I've published here too. It is a wonderful bonus to hear about times like this when my writing encourages or inspires somebody to write something or be more open, whatever the case may be. I like exploring my mind and composing self-conscious pieces because it helps me understand myself better and humans in general. I love that you connected with this piece and grateful you found your way here.
P.S. Sometimes, even when we are not writing about our specific issues, we are still writing about them, like your writing about cancer overall and radiation. Find what works and push forward.
Yep. After cancer and radiation, my wife died of cancer. That was about 18 months ago. Still pushing forward . . . Thank you.
Oh, that's rough. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope writing gives you the same relief and joy it does me. It has carried me through sobriety and many struggles but nothing I can compare to your loss, not that I'm in the business of comparing.
Thank you for the kind words, Jacquelyn.
In some cultures 43 is a significant number. It is the beginning of adulthood. You are just beginning but I guess it depends on where you live. Ha. Ha. Then there’s the old saying: “Who you are at seven, you are at seventy.“
I think it also depends on the lifestyle you have lived. I did a lot of damage to my body during twenty years of alcoholism and substance abuse.
"Perhaps forty-three is too late..." or, perhaps, 43 is when you begin to realize it was always too late? 🤣😭 I'm 45
I thought this comment was going in a totally different direction and am happy it went the way it did. Love your outlook.
Laughing at yourself if a life skill :)
I don't have to laugh at myself, my dear wife does it for me.
The more, the merrier!
So many thoughtful observations about meanderings and personal life perceptions. I appreciate the idea of longing to not belong. I’ve always struggled with wanting to go different directions than what society prescribed for me. A constant but satisfying struggle as I succeed to do so. Great article.
It's difficult to pull away from the crowds, even when you're not physically a part of one, and purposefully distance yourself from certain influences. I'm glad the piece resonated with you. Thank you for reading it.
Indeed, the crowd concept is everywhere. There are few places of solitude but in our heads and/or in the middle of a forest.
Yeah, cause everything is about perceiveing of the World and meandering, stream
"Think. We run from change while advocating for it, towing protest signs like just-married cans, "
This phenomenon took me a while to figure out. Eventually I realized it's not some big philosophical concept, but a simple problem.
Change is good to think about. Until we start thinking about the consequences of actual action. Since we are averse to suffering, the consequences outweigh the benefits of change to us. You can see this on a larger scale in businesses, governments, anything where reform is needed.
But it starts at a very personal level with us.
We make do with who we are, what we have, where we live, who we love, grow a bit every day.
I am wondering if a life trying to follow the life Jesus spoke about in his teaching would help one's parched soul.
“I have cheese caked onto my shirt.” A moment of whimsical word play and homely insight while dabbling in despair.
Reading it again ❤️
god dang this is it
Thank you, Daisy.
I love this piece, and when I was in my forties I thought I’d worked thru change after working a career for what felt like a lifetime having started it at 16, raising kids, buying houses and listening to grandparents and elder in laws, working for a company that had gone corporate and saw people do things “climbing the ladder” and felt a bit behind the drive and nastiness I saw going on and left supposedly to paint full time. Just in time to find out we had a new generation starting right in our family that would absorb more then anything ever could, even art and then Covid hit. Every time I think I’ve seen and learned so much, change happens ready or not and we do too, it’s all personal perception, thanks for food for thought!
Thank you, Teri.
Love this ! love your style it’s playfulness gravitates the reader 🤍
Thank you, Nada.