So on point for someone who claims to be socially awkward. And I felt chastised if that was your point. Because I talk with anyone on any subject anywhere. I’m the obnoxious one. And this will annoy you even more I’m guessing: This is a great piece of writing.
I do like texts as well because it also offers and extra layer of personal space. Time not only to think about how I'm going to respond but also talk back when I'm in the mood to talk back. When I was nearly dead in the hospital I quickly realized I didn't want company or people coming to my room. The fear of dying alone in a hospital room left quickly. Every time someone showed up, I would have to mask my pain and use what enormously small amount of energy and spirit I had left to engage . I had to mask and talk to the company that came in which was immediately exhausting. I hated it. The only company I wanted were the ones that brought tacos for me and watched tv with me silently until it was time for them to leave.
I can relate. Socializing is hard for me as well. I’m a strange soul, I know that. Working where I work doesn’t help. The nature of the job creates a warped (and often dark) sense of humor. One that isn’t really appropriate for outside conversation. Couple that with the fact that I’m actually all right with sitting in silence for hours (though I hardly get that much time to myself), I’m not exactly the life of the party (more like the one in the corner reading a book).
And yes, I wish people would be more honest. I’d rather someone be brutally honest than lie.
I found the easiest way to deal with difficult people in my life was to give them a clean slate every day. It doesn't mean that I trust them with personal info, or that I allow myself to "expect" anything. I just give them a clean slate because it helps me keep my waters from being muddy. Here we are on a new day , commence communication. Oh? It's not going well? Okay, I navigate that. I will see you with a clean slate tomorrow. I do this for myself also. I have changed a lot over the years, a few times. And looking back on each one, I can see that part of what makes it hard to change is other people's expectations. Oh, I know what SHE is thinking right now. This is how she feels about this, this is how she will react to that. No, I have changed. Yesterday I was a different iteration of myself than I am today. So, I just assume that for other people now too. It makes it much easier when they are darned predictable. So you say, well, too bad. You didn't learn about that part yet and here you are acting like an ass. I forgive you. I am not putting up with it, you need to work on that. Then dealing in the thick of it with the most difficult people in your life becomes less stress on YOU. And you can forgive yourself too. When I fall into a habit in a conversation with someone and I am acting in a way that isn't in alignment with my real intention, I can forgive me too. I had an ex to deal with once and a child I didn't see unless he or my mom let me. It was hard. I remember the day I gave him a clean slate. It made ME feel so much lighter. I have recently had some relationship trouble with extended family over the WAXINE thing. I decided to bridge the gap with professionalism until I wasn't so angry anymore. I walked it all the way to loving kindness and forgiveness. Then there were more mishaps and moments that would normally send me into a tailspin. I just observed them, allowed myself to feel things and then forgave them again. I enjoyed reading this. We all need more time to think about how we feel and to ruminate, like you said. Our conversations happen too fast and they are too superficial. Everyone assumes that you will speak in a given time and that you will have a given response. Every conversation feeling like a game is too exhausting. I ain't playin. People pleasing is a problem. Many people have said "no is a whole sentence". That's true. Also, I have started noticing how many times I say "sorry". It's gross. When young people in my family make an effort to change or become something new, I always tell the parents, stop reminding them of how they "used to be" or how they "used to feel, react or respond". Let them transform. Withhold comment, act like you don't know anything about them. It is much easier to change as a person when other people aren't constantly telling you who you are supposed to be in the conversations you are having.
My husband regularly hears things in what I say that I swear I didn't put there. Then we get into awkward explanations, that make it sound like I'm apologizing, darn, for something I didn't do. It's a minefield... and if I don't say anything people think I'm upset or angry... I have no idea how to fix it! Great post.
So relevant these days. People are too wrapped up in their ego to be open and understand one another. I have a relative who has a larynx issue and she deals with many people who underestimate her intellect. I know it’s frustrating for her and it effects her daily choices. This substack is clarifying and honest. Thanks Corey. 👍
Really interesting and personally timely. Ive been thinking a lot about communication and conversation lately. How it feels like we are unable to have friendly debate and argument (or maybe that’s just me). How it feels like many people are afraid of sincerity and we have to hide it in sarcasm, under and over statements. The art of conversation feels diminished in some way, but maybe I’m just nostalgic for something that never really existed!
I love this, yes yes and yes! have we all become so seperate with social media 'bagging' us that even we don't know who we are any more? Changing our minds from what media tracking says of last week, no I've moved on?
I'm always shy since a child too, wondering if offending others with what I say, that I can't be me.
And believe me, even with a psychology degree, you're still here as a human, I found when working, others presumed when I was 'out socialising', that I was clocking 'what issues were behind what they were saying?' Yes I'm interested in our minds, a deep thinker, sometimes too much, not into weather talk, but as a human still hopefully growing myself, that's hard enough to concentrate on I find lol
Anyhow, I related to much of your post and found it a relief to read!
So on point for someone who claims to be socially awkward. And I felt chastised if that was your point. Because I talk with anyone on any subject anywhere. I’m the obnoxious one. And this will annoy you even more I’m guessing: This is a great piece of writing.
I do like texts as well because it also offers and extra layer of personal space. Time not only to think about how I'm going to respond but also talk back when I'm in the mood to talk back. When I was nearly dead in the hospital I quickly realized I didn't want company or people coming to my room. The fear of dying alone in a hospital room left quickly. Every time someone showed up, I would have to mask my pain and use what enormously small amount of energy and spirit I had left to engage . I had to mask and talk to the company that came in which was immediately exhausting. I hated it. The only company I wanted were the ones that brought tacos for me and watched tv with me silently until it was time for them to leave.
I can relate. Socializing is hard for me as well. I’m a strange soul, I know that. Working where I work doesn’t help. The nature of the job creates a warped (and often dark) sense of humor. One that isn’t really appropriate for outside conversation. Couple that with the fact that I’m actually all right with sitting in silence for hours (though I hardly get that much time to myself), I’m not exactly the life of the party (more like the one in the corner reading a book).
And yes, I wish people would be more honest. I’d rather someone be brutally honest than lie.
I found the easiest way to deal with difficult people in my life was to give them a clean slate every day. It doesn't mean that I trust them with personal info, or that I allow myself to "expect" anything. I just give them a clean slate because it helps me keep my waters from being muddy. Here we are on a new day , commence communication. Oh? It's not going well? Okay, I navigate that. I will see you with a clean slate tomorrow. I do this for myself also. I have changed a lot over the years, a few times. And looking back on each one, I can see that part of what makes it hard to change is other people's expectations. Oh, I know what SHE is thinking right now. This is how she feels about this, this is how she will react to that. No, I have changed. Yesterday I was a different iteration of myself than I am today. So, I just assume that for other people now too. It makes it much easier when they are darned predictable. So you say, well, too bad. You didn't learn about that part yet and here you are acting like an ass. I forgive you. I am not putting up with it, you need to work on that. Then dealing in the thick of it with the most difficult people in your life becomes less stress on YOU. And you can forgive yourself too. When I fall into a habit in a conversation with someone and I am acting in a way that isn't in alignment with my real intention, I can forgive me too. I had an ex to deal with once and a child I didn't see unless he or my mom let me. It was hard. I remember the day I gave him a clean slate. It made ME feel so much lighter. I have recently had some relationship trouble with extended family over the WAXINE thing. I decided to bridge the gap with professionalism until I wasn't so angry anymore. I walked it all the way to loving kindness and forgiveness. Then there were more mishaps and moments that would normally send me into a tailspin. I just observed them, allowed myself to feel things and then forgave them again. I enjoyed reading this. We all need more time to think about how we feel and to ruminate, like you said. Our conversations happen too fast and they are too superficial. Everyone assumes that you will speak in a given time and that you will have a given response. Every conversation feeling like a game is too exhausting. I ain't playin. People pleasing is a problem. Many people have said "no is a whole sentence". That's true. Also, I have started noticing how many times I say "sorry". It's gross. When young people in my family make an effort to change or become something new, I always tell the parents, stop reminding them of how they "used to be" or how they "used to feel, react or respond". Let them transform. Withhold comment, act like you don't know anything about them. It is much easier to change as a person when other people aren't constantly telling you who you are supposed to be in the conversations you are having.
My husband regularly hears things in what I say that I swear I didn't put there. Then we get into awkward explanations, that make it sound like I'm apologizing, darn, for something I didn't do. It's a minefield... and if I don't say anything people think I'm upset or angry... I have no idea how to fix it! Great post.
So relevant these days. People are too wrapped up in their ego to be open and understand one another. I have a relative who has a larynx issue and she deals with many people who underestimate her intellect. I know it’s frustrating for her and it effects her daily choices. This substack is clarifying and honest. Thanks Corey. 👍
Terrific piece (he says, sarcastically). Just kidding, it is a terrific piece. Layer upon layer. My favorite moment is the “hi mom.”
“Then I need time to put those thoughts into words, the right words, words that haven’t been tortured and overused.”
*wail of despair* Noooo! ALL the words left in my basket have been tortured and overused!
Also, well-communicated, Corey :)
On my list of all-time most condescending things to say:
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
You can be sorry for what you did. Or sorry that something happened to me. That's it.
This made me smile. Remember the office episode when Jim and Pam go to marriage counseling? “To speak my truth...”🙃
These days I find some conversations so exhausting.
Really interesting and personally timely. Ive been thinking a lot about communication and conversation lately. How it feels like we are unable to have friendly debate and argument (or maybe that’s just me). How it feels like many people are afraid of sincerity and we have to hide it in sarcasm, under and over statements. The art of conversation feels diminished in some way, but maybe I’m just nostalgic for something that never really existed!
I love this, yes yes and yes! have we all become so seperate with social media 'bagging' us that even we don't know who we are any more? Changing our minds from what media tracking says of last week, no I've moved on?
I'm always shy since a child too, wondering if offending others with what I say, that I can't be me.
And believe me, even with a psychology degree, you're still here as a human, I found when working, others presumed when I was 'out socialising', that I was clocking 'what issues were behind what they were saying?' Yes I'm interested in our minds, a deep thinker, sometimes too much, not into weather talk, but as a human still hopefully growing myself, that's hard enough to concentrate on I find lol
Anyhow, I related to much of your post and found it a relief to read!
And about your mum reading haha love it
Boom! Wowzers David. I love your conversation with yourself. Thank God for writing, eh?
I love this Corey, love it
I love that you have looked and written about this . A lot resonates with me. Thanks