I do like texts as well because it also offers and extra layer of personal space. Time not only to think about how I'm going to respond but also talk back when I'm in the mood to talk back. When I was nearly dead in the hospital I quickly realized I didn't want company or people coming to my room. The fear of dying alone in a hospital room left quickly. Every time someone showed up, I would have to mask my pain and use what enormously small amount of energy and spirit I had left to engage . I had to mask and talk to the company that came in which was immediately exhausting. I hated it. The only company I wanted were the ones that brought tacos for me and watched tv with me silently until it was time for them to leave.
Oh, I can so relate to this—on both sides. Whenever I've had a friend (back when I used to keep friends) who was grieving a loss or suffering from a severe illness and the like, I'd always say, "If you want to talk about anything, just say the word. Otherwise, I'm just going to sit here and have my thoughts." Because I knew how badly I didn't want people to talk to me when struggling through dire situations, I knew better than to try to start conversations and ask questions nobody wanted to answer.
I’m a no visitors type patient. And I’ll sit by someone’s bedside for days, if they want, without saying anything, if that’s what they prefer. They are the ones doing me the favour. Brilliant stack, Corey.
Couldn’t agree more. So many (myself included) struggle with what to say in those kinds of situations. Being on the other side of that, I learned sometimes words aren’t necessary. Just presence and perhaps an ear.
Or someone to listen. When my head is a jumbled mess, it helps to have an avenue to get it out. A way to organize my thoughts. Most of the time I do it with writing. But sometimes that doesn’t suffice. Sometimes I have to say it out loud for it to make sense. And it helps having another person there to listen. I may not even require a response, just the ear to hear it, if that makes sense.
It makes sense. I think the number of people who are entirely content talking to themselves is small. I am, however, one of them. I talk to myself a lot, too. But I have been the person for many people who listen to them speak for an hour or three without my saying a word. Writing, as you said, is also a huge help. I've avoided yelling at people by writing everything I wanted to say to them. I felt much better after and had no desire to tell them how I felt. I could move on.
I wonder what would happen if we were honest with our visitors? Would they say "suck it up" or "it's all in your head"? I doubt it very much, possibly one is remembering the old tapes of uncaring caregivers. People in the "now" are either for or against us. The latter can just be asked to leave and don't come back, unless they have a miraculous 'sea-change' in attitude. You know what say -"with friends or family like that who needs enemies" F--- 'em and move on I suggest.
So on point for someone who claims to be socially awkward. And I felt chastised if that was your point. Because I talk with anyone on any subject anywhere. I’m the obnoxious one. And this will annoy you even more I’m guessing: This is a great piece of writing.
I didn't mean to imply people who socialize are obnoxious. I definitely ran into some tone issues when revising this piece, well, not issues, but places where I thought some people might think I was being a dick. I probably should've added more modifiers in some places. I wasn't chastising anybody. And I find it hard to believe you could be obnoxious.
I can relate. Socializing is hard for me as well. I’m a strange soul, I know that. Working where I work doesn’t help. The nature of the job creates a warped (and often dark) sense of humor. One that isn’t really appropriate for outside conversation. Couple that with the fact that I’m actually all right with sitting in silence for hours (though I hardly get that much time to myself), I’m not exactly the life of the party (more like the one in the corner reading a book).
And yes, I wish people would be more honest. I’d rather someone be brutally honest than lie.
Fun fact: I bartended for roughly twenty years and waited tables a lot in that time, too. Working in restaurants for a long time can make a person very jaded, which it did, and I am. I was good at managing people and talking to them, too. I had regulars.Some would follow me if I quit one bar and went to another. But it was always a massive strain on me, mentally, talking to people for ten to twelve hours a night.
The jaded part I get. Going from one job where I got used to people never being honest with me to another where I’m suddenly supposed to have empathy for grieving families took a lot of years to figure out. In a way I still am. You have to be kind but distant, caring but don’t take it home with you. It’s very draining. But it’s also rewarding in its own way. You never know how your words will affect someone. It could make their day (or their year).
Indeed it is. The trick is to know which people you can walk away from while they're mid-sentence. It helps to know how to read people—and to know how to appear busy when you're not.
Haha. Oddly, I sometimes miss bartending. But then I remember people go to bars and ask the bartender for drinks and food. Well, some people ask, some tell, some demand. That job undoubtedly helped shape me into the recluse I've become.
My husband regularly hears things in what I say that I swear I didn't put there. Then we get into awkward explanations, that make it sound like I'm apologizing, darn, for something I didn't do. It's a minefield... and if I don't say anything people think I'm upset or angry... I have no idea how to fix it! Great post.
So relevant these days. People are too wrapped up in their ego to be open and understand one another. I have a relative who has a larynx issue and she deals with many people who underestimate her intellect. I know it’s frustrating for her and it effects her daily choices. This substack is clarifying and honest. Thanks Corey. 👍
Thank you, Heather. I wish I could say I'm not frequently absorbed in my ego. I'm just guilty as the next person. This was post was probably more a reminder to myself than anything else. Which is selfish, but likely relatable—that's not to imply you can relate, just a general statement.
Haha. That felt so childish to write, but I had to do it. Mothers always deserve shout-outs. Plus, I thought it was funny to plop that in the middle. I cut a few nonsequiturs in favor of that, too. I didn't want to overdo it.
Really interesting and personally timely. Ive been thinking a lot about communication and conversation lately. How it feels like we are unable to have friendly debate and argument (or maybe that’s just me). How it feels like many people are afraid of sincerity and we have to hide it in sarcasm, under and over statements. The art of conversation feels diminished in some way, but maybe I’m just nostalgic for something that never really existed!
It's not just you. I'm sure most people would agree with you. Perhaps we're both nostalgic for something that never really existed. Memory is funny like that. Sometimes, we think things have changed when they haven't. At the same time, the Internet has changed people a lot and has shed light on things that were likely always there. Only we didn't know about them because we couldn't communicate the way we do now. Thank you, M., for sharing your thoughts here. I appreciate it.
I love this, yes yes and yes! have we all become so seperate with social media 'bagging' us that even we don't know who we are any more? Changing our minds from what media tracking says of last week, no I've moved on?
I'm always shy since a child too, wondering if offending others with what I say, that I can't be me.
And believe me, even with a psychology degree, you're still here as a human, I found when working, others presumed when I was 'out socialising', that I was clocking 'what issues were behind what they were saying?' Yes I'm interested in our minds, a deep thinker, sometimes too much, not into weather talk, but as a human still hopefully growing myself, that's hard enough to concentrate on I find lol
Anyhow, I related to much of your post and found it a relief to read!
Humans are interesting creatures. Perhaps we are communicating the best we can, the best we ever will. Ego plays a big role, I think—doesn’t it always, silently in the back of the mind, disrupting and altering the brain’s outgoing signals … Thank you for taking the to read the essay and for leaving a comment, a great comment.
always difficult I find to balance own self worth, and as a singer songwriter 'going for it' but not coming over as an arse, which I'd hate - I guess you have to 'attempt' to just be yourself as if no-one else is watching?
I do like texts as well because it also offers and extra layer of personal space. Time not only to think about how I'm going to respond but also talk back when I'm in the mood to talk back. When I was nearly dead in the hospital I quickly realized I didn't want company or people coming to my room. The fear of dying alone in a hospital room left quickly. Every time someone showed up, I would have to mask my pain and use what enormously small amount of energy and spirit I had left to engage . I had to mask and talk to the company that came in which was immediately exhausting. I hated it. The only company I wanted were the ones that brought tacos for me and watched tv with me silently until it was time for them to leave.
Oh, I can so relate to this—on both sides. Whenever I've had a friend (back when I used to keep friends) who was grieving a loss or suffering from a severe illness and the like, I'd always say, "If you want to talk about anything, just say the word. Otherwise, I'm just going to sit here and have my thoughts." Because I knew how badly I didn't want people to talk to me when struggling through dire situations, I knew better than to try to start conversations and ask questions nobody wanted to answer.
The old "approach, avoidance" dance.
Indeed!
Thats really lovely.
I’m a no visitors type patient. And I’ll sit by someone’s bedside for days, if they want, without saying anything, if that’s what they prefer. They are the ones doing me the favour. Brilliant stack, Corey.
Thank you, Kevin.
Couldn’t agree more. So many (myself included) struggle with what to say in those kinds of situations. Being on the other side of that, I learned sometimes words aren’t necessary. Just presence and perhaps an ear.
Sometimes all people want is not to be alone in a room.
Or someone to listen. When my head is a jumbled mess, it helps to have an avenue to get it out. A way to organize my thoughts. Most of the time I do it with writing. But sometimes that doesn’t suffice. Sometimes I have to say it out loud for it to make sense. And it helps having another person there to listen. I may not even require a response, just the ear to hear it, if that makes sense.
It makes sense. I think the number of people who are entirely content talking to themselves is small. I am, however, one of them. I talk to myself a lot, too. But I have been the person for many people who listen to them speak for an hour or three without my saying a word. Writing, as you said, is also a huge help. I've avoided yelling at people by writing everything I wanted to say to them. I felt much better after and had no desire to tell them how I felt. I could move on.
Writing is definitely a good pressure valve for me as well.
Yes that is how I feel. Listen. That is what I need. To know someone is really listening.
“How do I know you are listening, if I see you are wishing I was through talking”. That sentence is something I wrote in a book of mine.
L is for Listening.
Most people don't listen. They wait for their turn to speak.
Yep. While folks are talking, folks are thinking and folks are Not hearing folks.
Truth!
I wonder what would happen if we were honest with our visitors? Would they say "suck it up" or "it's all in your head"? I doubt it very much, possibly one is remembering the old tapes of uncaring caregivers. People in the "now" are either for or against us. The latter can just be asked to leave and don't come back, unless they have a miraculous 'sea-change' in attitude. You know what say -"with friends or family like that who needs enemies" F--- 'em and move on I suggest.
So on point for someone who claims to be socially awkward. And I felt chastised if that was your point. Because I talk with anyone on any subject anywhere. I’m the obnoxious one. And this will annoy you even more I’m guessing: This is a great piece of writing.
I didn't mean to imply people who socialize are obnoxious. I definitely ran into some tone issues when revising this piece, well, not issues, but places where I thought some people might think I was being a dick. I probably should've added more modifiers in some places. I wasn't chastising anybody. And I find it hard to believe you could be obnoxious.
Trust me. And it was great just as it is. Not kidding.
Thank you, Patris.
You? Sweet Patrice?
Amen eh ! 🏴☠️🦎
I can relate. Socializing is hard for me as well. I’m a strange soul, I know that. Working where I work doesn’t help. The nature of the job creates a warped (and often dark) sense of humor. One that isn’t really appropriate for outside conversation. Couple that with the fact that I’m actually all right with sitting in silence for hours (though I hardly get that much time to myself), I’m not exactly the life of the party (more like the one in the corner reading a book).
And yes, I wish people would be more honest. I’d rather someone be brutally honest than lie.
Fun fact: I bartended for roughly twenty years and waited tables a lot in that time, too. Working in restaurants for a long time can make a person very jaded, which it did, and I am. I was good at managing people and talking to them, too. I had regulars.Some would follow me if I quit one bar and went to another. But it was always a massive strain on me, mentally, talking to people for ten to twelve hours a night.
The jaded part I get. Going from one job where I got used to people never being honest with me to another where I’m suddenly supposed to have empathy for grieving families took a lot of years to figure out. In a way I still am. You have to be kind but distant, caring but don’t take it home with you. It’s very draining. But it’s also rewarding in its own way. You never know how your words will affect someone. It could make their day (or their year).
It sounds difficult but worth it. Sounds like you've found the right balance, the right distance.
Getting there. Just takes a hell of a lot of work. But life is work. Sometimes it’s complete and total rubbish, and sometimes it’s brilliant.
If it was easy, would it be worthwhile?
It wouldn’t be living. So, no, not at all.
Talking for 10-12 hours/night seems like it's own version of hell.
Indeed it is. The trick is to know which people you can walk away from while they're mid-sentence. It helps to know how to read people—and to know how to appear busy when you're not.
My working life, described.
Haha. Oddly, I sometimes miss bartending. But then I remember people go to bars and ask the bartender for drinks and food. Well, some people ask, some tell, some demand. That job undoubtedly helped shape me into the recluse I've become.
I get it, Corey.
The only thing that freed me from the hell that were some of my worst earliest jobs was my ability to type fast. (So many jobs for that humble skill.)
Perfectly said.
My husband regularly hears things in what I say that I swear I didn't put there. Then we get into awkward explanations, that make it sound like I'm apologizing, darn, for something I didn't do. It's a minefield... and if I don't say anything people think I'm upset or angry... I have no idea how to fix it! Great post.
Ooh, that's an interesting one, re how to fix it. I wish I had an answer. I'm only good at asking questions, not answering them.
we've been married 26 years, so it's not terminal, lol!
Hahaha
“Then I need time to put those thoughts into words, the right words, words that haven’t been tortured and overused.”
*wail of despair* Noooo! ALL the words left in my basket have been tortured and overused!
Also, well-communicated, Corey :)
We must be pulling from the same basket.
I’m starting to think maybe this is actually the basket’s fault...
Haha.
So relevant these days. People are too wrapped up in their ego to be open and understand one another. I have a relative who has a larynx issue and she deals with many people who underestimate her intellect. I know it’s frustrating for her and it effects her daily choices. This substack is clarifying and honest. Thanks Corey. 👍
Thank you, Heather. I wish I could say I'm not frequently absorbed in my ego. I'm just guilty as the next person. This was post was probably more a reminder to myself than anything else. Which is selfish, but likely relatable—that's not to imply you can relate, just a general statement.
Terrific piece (he says, sarcastically). Just kidding, it is a terrific piece. Layer upon layer. My favorite moment is the “hi mom.”
Haha. That felt so childish to write, but I had to do it. Mothers always deserve shout-outs. Plus, I thought it was funny to plop that in the middle. I cut a few nonsequiturs in favor of that, too. I didn't want to overdo it.
Yeah! I loved that too!
On my list of all-time most condescending things to say:
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
You can be sorry for what you did. Or sorry that something happened to me. That's it.
I completely agree with you. That phrase sets me off.
This made me smile. Remember the office episode when Jim and Pam go to marriage counseling? “To speak my truth...”🙃
I miss that show. I wish I could say I remember that episode, but I haven't watched that show since its spot on cable ended.
These days I find some conversations so exhausting.
Indeed! Thank you, Pamela, for reading whatever that thing was I wrote.
Really interesting and personally timely. Ive been thinking a lot about communication and conversation lately. How it feels like we are unable to have friendly debate and argument (or maybe that’s just me). How it feels like many people are afraid of sincerity and we have to hide it in sarcasm, under and over statements. The art of conversation feels diminished in some way, but maybe I’m just nostalgic for something that never really existed!
It's not just you. I'm sure most people would agree with you. Perhaps we're both nostalgic for something that never really existed. Memory is funny like that. Sometimes, we think things have changed when they haven't. At the same time, the Internet has changed people a lot and has shed light on things that were likely always there. Only we didn't know about them because we couldn't communicate the way we do now. Thank you, M., for sharing your thoughts here. I appreciate it.
I love this, yes yes and yes! have we all become so seperate with social media 'bagging' us that even we don't know who we are any more? Changing our minds from what media tracking says of last week, no I've moved on?
I'm always shy since a child too, wondering if offending others with what I say, that I can't be me.
And believe me, even with a psychology degree, you're still here as a human, I found when working, others presumed when I was 'out socialising', that I was clocking 'what issues were behind what they were saying?' Yes I'm interested in our minds, a deep thinker, sometimes too much, not into weather talk, but as a human still hopefully growing myself, that's hard enough to concentrate on I find lol
Anyhow, I related to much of your post and found it a relief to read!
And about your mum reading haha love it
Humans are interesting creatures. Perhaps we are communicating the best we can, the best we ever will. Ego plays a big role, I think—doesn’t it always, silently in the back of the mind, disrupting and altering the brain’s outgoing signals … Thank you for taking the to read the essay and for leaving a comment, a great comment.
always difficult I find to balance own self worth, and as a singer songwriter 'going for it' but not coming over as an arse, which I'd hate - I guess you have to 'attempt' to just be yourself as if no-one else is watching?
Attempt—is the Keyword.
Boom! Wowzers David. I love your conversation with yourself. Thank God for writing, eh?
Thanks, Dee. Yes, writing is a blessing.
Sorry obviously I meant Corey. 🙄
Haha. I knew it was an accident.
I do it all of the Tom, Dee!
I love this Corey, love it
Thank you, Alixandra.
I love that you have looked and written about this . A lot resonates with me. Thanks
Thank you, Raelle.
The dictionary is open next to me as I text!
Haha. I knew I couldn't be the only one.
:-)