I read most of what comes up on my computer, so I will say I did read it. But then my wife of 62 years had jus passes away on November 2. When we have an urge to write, it is part of the gift from God to write. We must write and not hide it. God bless.
I’ve not read this part of your story before, Corey. I’m glad you have enough new subscribers to justify the repost. I’m glad you had a daughter who motivated you to get where you are now. I’m glad, I think — because I also want to punch him in the face — you had an unorthodox asshat intake doctor who ignited your rage. I’m not sure that’s what you needed, but it might have been. I’m glad you found an outlet in writing and that you’ve been willing to make yourself this kind of vulnerable. We all have our demons.
I think I did miss this first time around, Corey. I should have gone back to the prior posts but somehow it slipped my mind. As always, honest and hard-hitting, and you’re right about both ego and pride. Look forward to your new prologue to this!
Thanks, Paul. I had a difficult time trying to decide whether to repost this. I think I'm glad I did. I got the idea from you, actually. I didn't realize I'd written a 'prologue' until I was walking to the grocery store today and conjuring reasons to repost this. I was like "Wait a tick—the essay I'm revising is basically ground zero to my sober journey. Why not?" Glad you enjoyed it.
Glad you did. You write with a sort of clarity I ca’t seem to manage. Guess that’s why I stick to verse. Funny, I can manage to take more than a dozen steps out of my front door but can’t seem to go much further when writing 🤔
I bet you could. It just takes more time than verse. Speaking of verse: I've been wanting to start writing verse, trying to write verse, for months now. I keep forgetting. I should set aside an hour or thirty minutes each day to practice. Yeah, right. I was supposed to do that for fiction weeks ago. Oy. But I've never written verse. I want to. I am even in the process of learning the lingo.
But was it not a fear of death that motivated you?
If so, then I'm kind of surprised you didn't find religion. My father had a death wish of sorts. It was only religion that kept him sober...for twenty-five years. Then he left the rule system and that was that. Turns out he really needed a fear of death to scare him straight.
I feared many things. I feared death mostly because I did not want my daughter not to have a father. Otherwise, living didn't interest me much. No religion for me, though. Instead, I discovered literature about a year into my sobriety, and about a year after that, I thought, "Why not try writing?" At the time, my knowledge of the English language was that of a second-grader. I was almost forty and had to learn the very basics. Writing is what has kept me sane.
How perfect. Dancing with Demons . I’ve chased them
Away. Hmmm almost. Years of mental gymnastics. That’s my story to post when I’m ready . All of my former posts Wordpress are short , chock full of “famous” in my life. Some alive still. Recovering. Addiction to this. That .. my son sober 13 years his drug of choice booze. Could down a bottle of jack. Now 40 married 3 years ago stunning lady and one year old girl. He didn’t like AA beginning of sobriety. Now in DC his community is two eve a week group. Centers him. Also bipolar 2. Struggled mightily for years. Finally right meds. I have 5 sisters and come from a long long line of addicts. But if course as we were from Beverly Hills our faux masks firmed gorilla glue. Thats all for now. You write with clarity and ease. Your voice needs to be listened to. Keep on. Jenn
Congrats to your son. That's a long time. I never could agree with AA, but I spent much time in and out of the halls. I haven't been since my third or fourth sober, about six years ago. Addiction runs in my family as well. I worry about my daughter. I hope she will learn from my stories, those I tell her, and not fold to any pressure while too young to understand the consequences. Thank you for reading and for the kind words.
Need to start a new one. I'm not ready for that yet. I have more to learn, and more areas needing improvement. I am playing around with short stories for the time being.
This story was beautiful. Your writing is engaging, relatable, and I just want it to keep coming. I aspire to write and publish and converse with a community of readers and writers as you do and have here. Do you have any suggestions on getting started? This kind of honest, vulnerable, raw writing is impressive, and something I aspire to do better...especially as a way of managing, handling, and understanding my mental health issues and past trauma.
Suggestions for getting started? Ehh . . . The only way to get started is to start writing. Write whatever it is you want to write—not what you think people will like—and if you have no idea what to write, start by freewriting. This is an exercise and only for you, so skip the self-editing.
Pick an issue at the forefront of your mind and write everything that pops into your head, even if it's off-topic. The point is to get the words down. Write until you get stuck. Read what you've written a few times. Most likely, you will find an idea or thought in what you've written that you can expand on and turn into an essay or a memoir-ish story.
I hope this helps some. I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.
Excellent. Here are the first few lines from a piece I haven't been able to finish:
I have two little brothers, though both larger than I, fallen victim to the agonizingly slow suicide of addiction. Two very different stories of incredibly talented humans. The crippling sense of loss still creeps into my thoughts daily along with a naggingly frustrating lament of helplessness. As they withdrew and built ingenious walls to hide their troubles I continued to accuse myself of not doing enough to help. I still wonder.
It took me a few years of trying to write about my past before writing these pieces on Substack about it. I tried to write about it through fiction and kept fumbling, hitting walls, unable to bring the sentences alive. It's not easy. I think your challenge might be even harder than mine was. Writing from your perspective, as somebody who lost loved ones to addiction, must bring a slew of emotions that hinder writing about them. What you've shared here is great. I hope you to read the final piece someday.
"Nothing I say stays. It must be mixed and mashed, stirred and beaten. I try to lock onto the perfect words, one sentence—the one—a string of verbs and nouns so complete that they understand me. Dreaming or not, the words lead me. They need me as much as I imagine they do. But see, I romanticize, lose sight of the goal, and must start again."
God, this really is writing, isn't it? This entire piece - these flashes of memory amongst a much longer and more wearisome journey - is spellbinding. Well done.
The doctor’s technique was surely unorthodox, but partly understandable, especially if he had just watched his own brother die of cirrhosis.
I’m a family physician. Last year I lost three patients in their early forties to cirrhosis from alcohol. Nice people. And they melted before my eyes.
I’ve seen the same rapid collapse from diabetes untreated. Sometimes I have had two young patients in the same month lose a leg from complications of untreated disease.
One man always smiled. He was so cheerful, but his glucose was always terrible. I cared about him, so I tried getting angry. It didn’t work—and I no longer try the angry technique. (I still do a little prophetic discussion though, hopefully just enough.)
I’m pleased to report that my happy “noncompliant” diabetic patient is now doing great with continuous glucose monitoring. And he, of all people, gets angry with diabetics who ignore their disease.
I'm not sure if the doctor I had in this situation was using anger as a technique. He had mentioned his brother dying from alcoholism, and it seemed he was projecting some unprocessed feelings onto me, as if he was really angry at his brother.
Thank you for allowing me to read this in full. It is stunning writing. I hope loads of people get to read the paid posts in future. You are quite right to go down that path.
Wow Corey, thanks for sharing this. I have my own struggles with alcoholism but as the loved one of alcoholics... your writing helps me understand better what they're going through. And congratulations!
Thank you, Anna. You know, the first time I published this and its counterparts, I had several people say similar things, i.e., that they had not experienced addiction but had been on the other side of the struggle, watching a loved one go through it, and that my words had given them a new and insightful perspective on the matter. Which I think is great. Those who must watch a friend or loved one self-destruct suffer in ways that aren't discussed nearly enough. When I think back to those days and imagine how my mother and my daughter's mother must have felt . . . err, it's difficult to process. I feel terrible.
Very nice piece, Corey! It's very inspirational and life-saving for someone who has been there and done that! I think that we all have to come to terms with the fact that every single one of us is addicted to something, and the only way we can do that is to stop, take a deep breath, and put away our pride and ego!!
That's an excellent point, i.e., everybody has some sort of addiction, only some are worse for us than others, but many can't be compared. They hurt us in different ways. The ego is not a copilot or friend. And pride does more harm than good. I haven't found a use for it, honestly.
I read most of what comes up on my computer, so I will say I did read it. But then my wife of 62 years had jus passes away on November 2. When we have an urge to write, it is part of the gift from God to write. We must write and not hide it. God bless.
I’ve not read this part of your story before, Corey. I’m glad you have enough new subscribers to justify the repost. I’m glad you had a daughter who motivated you to get where you are now. I’m glad, I think — because I also want to punch him in the face — you had an unorthodox asshat intake doctor who ignited your rage. I’m not sure that’s what you needed, but it might have been. I’m glad you found an outlet in writing and that you’ve been willing to make yourself this kind of vulnerable. We all have our demons.
I love the word asshat. Ha. I forgot it existed. Thank you. I'm glad, too, that it all worked out.
It is a particular favorite of mine, one that is slightly better tolerated than f***wit. How many years of sobriety? I should probably remember.
Last November marked six years. So I'm nearly halfway to seven. I don't think you need to remember that, though.
Halfway to Seven: Memoir title. :)
I like it.
I think I did miss this first time around, Corey. I should have gone back to the prior posts but somehow it slipped my mind. As always, honest and hard-hitting, and you’re right about both ego and pride. Look forward to your new prologue to this!
Thanks, Paul. I had a difficult time trying to decide whether to repost this. I think I'm glad I did. I got the idea from you, actually. I didn't realize I'd written a 'prologue' until I was walking to the grocery store today and conjuring reasons to repost this. I was like "Wait a tick—the essay I'm revising is basically ground zero to my sober journey. Why not?" Glad you enjoyed it.
Glad you did. You write with a sort of clarity I ca’t seem to manage. Guess that’s why I stick to verse. Funny, I can manage to take more than a dozen steps out of my front door but can’t seem to go much further when writing 🤔
I bet you could. It just takes more time than verse. Speaking of verse: I've been wanting to start writing verse, trying to write verse, for months now. I keep forgetting. I should set aside an hour or thirty minutes each day to practice. Yeah, right. I was supposed to do that for fiction weeks ago. Oy. But I've never written verse. I want to. I am even in the process of learning the lingo.
Same words, Corey, just different combinations and arrangements.
Hey, same to you, re: longer form writing.
But was it not a fear of death that motivated you?
If so, then I'm kind of surprised you didn't find religion. My father had a death wish of sorts. It was only religion that kept him sober...for twenty-five years. Then he left the rule system and that was that. Turns out he really needed a fear of death to scare him straight.
I feared many things. I feared death mostly because I did not want my daughter not to have a father. Otherwise, living didn't interest me much. No religion for me, though. Instead, I discovered literature about a year into my sobriety, and about a year after that, I thought, "Why not try writing?" At the time, my knowledge of the English language was that of a second-grader. I was almost forty and had to learn the very basics. Writing is what has kept me sane.
You've come a long way, and fast, which just goes to show all the things we can accomplish when we set our mind to it.
Thank you, Ofifoto. I have been nothing if not determined.
Thanks and good luck!
Ha. Is this the part where you block me?
we're getting there. I need a little more time. Be patient!
How perfect. Dancing with Demons . I’ve chased them
Away. Hmmm almost. Years of mental gymnastics. That’s my story to post when I’m ready . All of my former posts Wordpress are short , chock full of “famous” in my life. Some alive still. Recovering. Addiction to this. That .. my son sober 13 years his drug of choice booze. Could down a bottle of jack. Now 40 married 3 years ago stunning lady and one year old girl. He didn’t like AA beginning of sobriety. Now in DC his community is two eve a week group. Centers him. Also bipolar 2. Struggled mightily for years. Finally right meds. I have 5 sisters and come from a long long line of addicts. But if course as we were from Beverly Hills our faux masks firmed gorilla glue. Thats all for now. You write with clarity and ease. Your voice needs to be listened to. Keep on. Jenn
Congrats to your son. That's a long time. I never could agree with AA, but I spent much time in and out of the halls. I haven't been since my third or fourth sober, about six years ago. Addiction runs in my family as well. I worry about my daughter. I hope she will learn from my stories, those I tell her, and not fold to any pressure while too young to understand the consequences. Thank you for reading and for the kind words.
Finish your novel !
Need to start a new one. I'm not ready for that yet. I have more to learn, and more areas needing improvement. I am playing around with short stories for the time being.
This story was beautiful. Your writing is engaging, relatable, and I just want it to keep coming. I aspire to write and publish and converse with a community of readers and writers as you do and have here. Do you have any suggestions on getting started? This kind of honest, vulnerable, raw writing is impressive, and something I aspire to do better...especially as a way of managing, handling, and understanding my mental health issues and past trauma.
Suggestions for getting started? Ehh . . . The only way to get started is to start writing. Write whatever it is you want to write—not what you think people will like—and if you have no idea what to write, start by freewriting. This is an exercise and only for you, so skip the self-editing.
Pick an issue at the forefront of your mind and write everything that pops into your head, even if it's off-topic. The point is to get the words down. Write until you get stuck. Read what you've written a few times. Most likely, you will find an idea or thought in what you've written that you can expand on and turn into an essay or a memoir-ish story.
I hope this helps some. I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.
Excellent. Here are the first few lines from a piece I haven't been able to finish:
I have two little brothers, though both larger than I, fallen victim to the agonizingly slow suicide of addiction. Two very different stories of incredibly talented humans. The crippling sense of loss still creeps into my thoughts daily along with a naggingly frustrating lament of helplessness. As they withdrew and built ingenious walls to hide their troubles I continued to accuse myself of not doing enough to help. I still wonder.
It took me a few years of trying to write about my past before writing these pieces on Substack about it. I tried to write about it through fiction and kept fumbling, hitting walls, unable to bring the sentences alive. It's not easy. I think your challenge might be even harder than mine was. Writing from your perspective, as somebody who lost loved ones to addiction, must bring a slew of emotions that hinder writing about them. What you've shared here is great. I hope you to read the final piece someday.
Keep doing this. The world needs your voice.
Thank you, Staci. You're too kind.
"Nothing I say stays. It must be mixed and mashed, stirred and beaten. I try to lock onto the perfect words, one sentence—the one—a string of verbs and nouns so complete that they understand me. Dreaming or not, the words lead me. They need me as much as I imagine they do. But see, I romanticize, lose sight of the goal, and must start again."
God, this really is writing, isn't it? This entire piece - these flashes of memory amongst a much longer and more wearisome journey - is spellbinding. Well done.
Thank you, Molly. I appreciate the kind words.
This was worth rereading, Corey.
Had some whiskey at the weekend. Still recovering here.
Stay strong!
Haha. Thanks, Kevin.
The doctor’s technique was surely unorthodox, but partly understandable, especially if he had just watched his own brother die of cirrhosis.
I’m a family physician. Last year I lost three patients in their early forties to cirrhosis from alcohol. Nice people. And they melted before my eyes.
I’ve seen the same rapid collapse from diabetes untreated. Sometimes I have had two young patients in the same month lose a leg from complications of untreated disease.
One man always smiled. He was so cheerful, but his glucose was always terrible. I cared about him, so I tried getting angry. It didn’t work—and I no longer try the angry technique. (I still do a little prophetic discussion though, hopefully just enough.)
I’m pleased to report that my happy “noncompliant” diabetic patient is now doing great with continuous glucose monitoring. And he, of all people, gets angry with diabetics who ignore their disease.
Troy A. Thompson, MD
I'm not sure if the doctor I had in this situation was using anger as a technique. He had mentioned his brother dying from alcoholism, and it seemed he was projecting some unprocessed feelings onto me, as if he was really angry at his brother.
Probably so. Intentional anger doesn’t seem to work very well either, at least in this context.
I don't think my own anger has ever done anything useful for me.
Thank you for allowing me to read this in full. It is stunning writing. I hope loads of people get to read the paid posts in future. You are quite right to go down that path.
I appreciate the kind words. I'm delighted you enjoyed it so much.
Wow Corey, thanks for sharing this. I have my own struggles with alcoholism but as the loved one of alcoholics... your writing helps me understand better what they're going through. And congratulations!
Thank you, Anna. You know, the first time I published this and its counterparts, I had several people say similar things, i.e., that they had not experienced addiction but had been on the other side of the struggle, watching a loved one go through it, and that my words had given them a new and insightful perspective on the matter. Which I think is great. Those who must watch a friend or loved one self-destruct suffer in ways that aren't discussed nearly enough. When I think back to those days and imagine how my mother and my daughter's mother must have felt . . . err, it's difficult to process. I feel terrible.
On the flip side, the process of getting sober brought us closer than ever.
The gold lining!
Very nice piece, Corey! It's very inspirational and life-saving for someone who has been there and done that! I think that we all have to come to terms with the fact that every single one of us is addicted to something, and the only way we can do that is to stop, take a deep breath, and put away our pride and ego!!
That's an excellent point, i.e., everybody has some sort of addiction, only some are worse for us than others, but many can't be compared. They hurt us in different ways. The ego is not a copilot or friend. And pride does more harm than good. I haven't found a use for it, honestly.